I once believed in one love, once, for a lifetime. So I wanted to only date once in my life and get married. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that lucky. In reality, creating love is not that easy. It seemed like I was so naive back then.
Being broken hearted by one love to another have taught me that there won’t be anyone who will match with us 100%. Thinking back lately, there is nothing that I regret from every relationship that I have been through. I have been molded and I have learned about humility and duty with every relationship I’ve ever been through.
The first time I met Yohan, he was a new comer at the church. We exchanged hellos, introduced ourselves and became friends. I was in a relationship at that time, so there’s no way that I would think towards the line of a serious relationship.
Looking from my relationship history, I won’t fall in love with somebody that I just meet. Everything starts with years and years of friendship. And maybe you’ll fall in love in the midst of your friendship journey and that takes years.
In the beginning of getting to know someone, I think everyone’s packages appears to be good. It’s always been a homework for me to search for flaws in someone who will be my partner. When I’ve decided to date someone, I’ve always wanted to know more about them. How terrible is it when you’re in a bad mood and when you have a different opinion than me? That curiosity that I’m trying to look for is not to make fun of them, but to know how far can I accept their flaws.
To me, love is when i see their flaws and I still choose to love them. Of course we will accept their strengths, even more, we’re proud of them. But what happens when you discover their flaws? Furthermore, when they have different opinions, then what happens? Demanding changes will happen. The demander is stressed out, the demanded is stressed out as well. Fight after fight, nothing is resolved. Then… a breakup? Find another, a more perfect one? There will be none! So we learn to accept their strengths, flaws, everything. The whole package.
A lot of people say, after marriage, you’ll be surprised that their flaws will only start emerging. Because a lot of people have warned us and told us their stories, of course we learn to be better and be prepared for the worse.
A moment that I’ll never forget is when we just started dating and I went to Yohan’s house. After a while, Yohan offered me some food.
Y: Are you hungry? There are breads on the table. Just take them.
I immediately ran to the kitchen and looked for the bread.
Me: They’re not here.
Y: Really? They’re there between the plastic bags.
I told him once again that it wasn’t there.
He came immediately and said while pointing towards the plastic bags, “What’s this?”
Me: Well yeah bread.
Y: Alright then eat it.
Me: But it’s not a whole bread (in my heart I was saying, “The breads have been torn and there are bite marks, and you offered them to me? When I said there aren’t any breads it was because there are no whole ones that I can take to eat).
Y: Well it’s ok. Just try all of them.
Me: That’s ok. Thank you. Maybe later (I was talking with a smile, but in my heart I was saying, “OMG! What a disgusting boy! Unhygienic! Help!!)
Lately, I’ve been seeing the culture of his family. Sharing. What they were trying to do tearing some pieces off the breads was so that the other family members have the opportunity to try them as well. For example, when buying bread, they’ll buy 10 different types of bread and every family member can try everything. As for my family, we’ll just buy enough for everyone. We can only choose one and you can’t be greedy, give the remaining whole breads to the other family members.
It’s still considered sharing. There’s no right or wrong. We talked about this together and came up with a conclusion. We can still share. You can buy plenty if you want everyone to sample them all. But cut them first, ok? With a knife.So you can still share and you won’t feel disgusted. And they can try them all together even at the same time.
That was one of our dating experiences. If there’s something that you don’t agree with, we’ll find a win-win solution. We have to find a way to make it work.
A lot of the times, we are products of our own family with our own traditions. We learn to not blame and demand. We’ll make a new tradition for the family that we’ll build.
It’s not an easy thing to do. But we’re all humans who still have imperfections and flaws. Even until today, we are still learning. We depend on God, a lot.
When we were still dating, to us, it was the time to open our eyes wide to get to know our future partner. Don’t only be engulfed by their strengths. Find out about their flaws. Are we ready to accept their flaws? Can we tolerate them forever?
When our vows have been said, it’s time to close your eyes and accept them for who they are, completed by their strengths and flaws. Close our eyes from looking at their mistakes and flaws. Just remember their kindness and positive aspects